Boundaries are my favorite topic!! I learned boundaries early on in my recovery journey. My sponsor taught me many great tools for setting boundaries.
Boundaries can be internal and external. Internal boundaries are your personal thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.
External boundaries can include the space in which you presently are; the guidelines in which you establish to be in a relationship with another person; or the limitations in which you keep to protect yourself from engaging in acting out behaviors.
To appropriately set boundaries, I think you must know some key elements:
- What are your needs and wants?
- What feels comfortable? Uncomfortable?
- Where do I end and the other person start?
- How much am I willing to sacrifice?
- Is this about me or about them?
These are just the basics. Boundaries allow you to be know; others to know you; others to be known; compromise or negotiation. When boundaries don't exist, we can get ourselves in to deep trouble. Watch out for these unhealthy boundaries:
10 Signs of Unhealthy Boundaries
1.
Providing intimate details about your life to
someone that you do not know.
2.
Touching someone without permission.
3.
Allowing others to touch you without giving
permission.
4.
Going against personal values to please others.
5.
Believing others can anticipate your needs.
6.
Manipulating someone for your benefit.
7.
Letting others define your reality.
8.
Letting others direct your life.
9.
Staying in an unhealthy environment too long.
10.
Using sex to gain approval and acceptance.
Here is an example of a boundary one might have to set within recovery. You may know someone that is new to recovery. This person doesn't have a clear idea of what's appropriate communication. You often hear this person over-share and provide intimate details that are triggering for you. The over-sharing brings up your own personal feelings of guilt and shame. You feel annoyed that this person just doesn't get it.
Well, to establish a boundary you need to get clear about your feelings. You are feeling annoyed and maybe frustrated at this person's lack of skills in the appropriate communication department. My recommendation would be to approach the person, ask if he/she is available to chat for a bit. Then you might say, "______, I feel agitated and angry when you talk about explicit details. I don't want to feel that way. I wonder if you might consider leaving out those triggering details. It would make me feel more comfortable and I think you and I would be able to chat more freely, about recovery, without all the detail. Is that something you can do?"
You can't make a person change, but you can request a change in the behavior that is triggering for you. If for some reason you don't get a helpful, compassionate, and understanding response--you have to focus on the internal boudaries. That might look like you simply stating, "I feel agitated when you talk about ____, and since you can't agree to tailor our discussions, I can't be around you." END OF DISCUSSION!
You have the right to be respected. I hope you all know that.
Try to set some boundaries this week. I would love to hear your success stories.
That's all for now. Stay safe, sane, and sober!
Sincerely,
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