Topic Tuesday: The Love Avoidant

I often talk to clients and those in recovery about love addiction, but rarely do I have the experience of discussing the ins and outs of "the love avoidant" which can play a significant role in love addiction.

A person who is a love avoidant typically enters relationships to take on the "caretaker" role. This person is fueled with compulsive desires to engulf the relationship with his/her caretaking abilities. It's nice to have a partner that is invested in taking care of you, but when the caretaker becomes resentful for the amount of work he/she is doing, that's when the problems begin to emerge.

The love avoidant will begin to hide behind walls and essentially distances him/herself from the relationship. The resentment is so strong that if he/she stayed connected it would only cause additional tension and chaos.

The typical cycle of the love avoidant looks like this:

1. Love Avoidant gets involved in a relationship, which may or may not be what he/she wants. There is a caretaker value system that is ingrained in the love avoidant, so if he/she says "No" to entering the relationship he/she will feel guilty. So he/she enters to avoid guilt feelings. 
2. Love Avoidant begins to hide behind walls of seduction to prevent the partner, usually the love addict, from noticing the wall is more like seclusion. Being in the relationship makes the love avoidant feel controlled and suffocated. 
3. Love Avoidant becomes overwhelmed with the suffocated feelings and begins to build resentment toward the partner. 
4. Love Avoidant distances him/herself from the relationship and most often takes a "victim" stance. 
5. Love Avoidant looks outside of him/herself to feel more alive and gets involved in intense processes. 
6. Love Avoidant may begin to feel guilty for being distanced from his/her partner so the cycle either restarts or the love avoidant gets a new partner for a fresh start of the addictive process. 

Sound exhausting? It is for both the love avoidant and the love addict. These two most often have significant trauma histories that developed these blueprints for behaving. 

Questions to Consider

1. Have you thought about your relationship in this way?

2. If this is your situation, what will you do next?

3. How can your recovery support be helpful to you now?

Check out Facing Love Addiction by Pia Mellody for more info on love addiction and love avoidance. 

Take care everyone. Stay safe, sane, and sober!

Sincerely,