Weekend Retreat

Welcome to the weekend; to the end of January; and to the start of February!! I hope you all have been doing well. I have gotten a lot of great feedback about the posts, especially Weekend Retreat. Thank you :)

I love telling people about available resources. Just as much as I love having things to do over the weekend that coincide with my recovery process.  A few months ago, I stumbled upon one of the most heart warming films that I have ever seen and I was pleasantly surprised that it starred one of my favorite actors, Bruce Willis. The film is called Disney's The Kid.

In the flick, Bruce's 40-year-old character is brought face to face with his younger self. He learns a valuable lesson from his childhood, that I think we all could benefit from; we are never too old to heal old wounds.

In recovery, healing our 'inner child' is often talked about subject. The work involves looking at the painful past; identifying what really happened; identifying the feelings we had way back then; and then look how it impacts us in the present. I cried while watching so you may want to have your Kleenex handy!

The other option you have for this week is to read Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself by Melody Beattie. Most people in recovery circles have read this eye opening book on codependence. Melody has been providing readers tons of information on the topic for decades. Her books have sold millions! You may even read her daily affirmations that can be found online or in several books. To find out more about Melody check out her website.

Whatever you decide to do this weekend, remember to love yourself!


Sincerely,

Weekend Retreat

Welcome to the weekend!! I have some books for you. Alright, so after this post you may now refer to me as Pia Mellody's biggest fan! I just have to let you know about the best book I have ever read about codependence: Facing Codependence! I credit this book and author with getting me on the path to recovery.

It all started when my sponsor recommended it. I told myself that I wasn't a book reader so why bother, but I am glad I didn't listen to that negative internal voice. Of course I am a book reader. Hell, I am even a book writer.

I started down the journey of reading Facing Codependence and it was hard! The material was so true to my core that it was so difficult to stomach at times. Pia Mellody truly captures that essence of what codependence is, where it comes from, how it can destroy lives, and most importantly, how to recover from it. She highlights topics including setting functional boundaries, self esteem, family of origin, and much more!

After completing the book and reviewing the companion workbook, Breaking Free, I started a six month therapeutic treatment group at my counseling practice using the tools that Pia laid out. Phenomenal success! I know that these two resources will give you what you need on your journey.

Enjoy your weekend!

Sincerely,

Tool: Affirmations

We could all use a daily dose of affirmation. Affirmations provide positive inspiration for those in recovery. Sometimes we get bogged down with the issues of our past, which often times brings about despair.

The journey through recovery is not an easy one. Using affirmations can add some light to comfort and guide you. Affirmations may be found in books, phone apps, daily emails from Hazelden's Thought of the Day, or you may even create your own!

I created ABLE Affirmations back in 2012 and I use them myself, as well as with my clients at ABLE Counseling Services, LLC. The affirmations all start with "I am ABLE....". Here is a quick sample of what I mean:

You may also find it helpful to create a list:

A list of positive affirmations to deal with depression

• I pursue my life’s purpose
• I feel worthy
• I feel fulfilled & joyful
• I deserve to be happy
• I only have positive mental pictures
• Joy overflows in my life
• I am becoming better everyday
• I embrace positive self-esteem
• I reject abuse from others
• I have faith and deep belief in myself
• I have an enthusiastic outlook on life
• My future looks great

A list of positive Self Confidence Affirmations

• I am strong and secure
• I have inner resources
• I have the power to realize my goals
• I take charge of my life
• I am valuable
• I stand firmly in my belief in myself
• People respect me
• People like me
• I am a true friend
• I care for people
• I am confident of my capabilities, expertise, and know-how
• I am interested in others
• I am confident
• I am a strong person
• I dissolve all obstacles to having complete self-confidence
• I am a success
• I choose to be happy
• I have faith in God and my future

 http://www.affirmations-for-radical-success.com/list-of-positive-affirmations.html

Whatever way you decide to create affirmations for yourself, remember that we may wish, dream, or hope that others affirm us on our journey, but they are not required. We have to take control of our recovery and affirm ourselves for the loving, caring, perfectly imperfect human beings that we are.

Stay on the path. Your Higher Power is by your side.

Sincerely,

Wisdom Wednesday

"My serenity deepens as my acceptance increases."-Anonymous

I have accepted that I am an addict. I have also accepted that I am in recovery. Hiding from truths keeps me from serenity. The more I accept about my reality, the more I can accept love and serenity into my life.

What can you accept today?

Sincerely, 

Topic Tuesday: Denial

Denial is not a river in Egypt. Denial is an insidious, often debilitating psychological defense mechanism. When you're in denial, you:

• Refuse to acknowledge a stressful problem or situation
• Avoid facing the facts of the situation
• Minimize the consequences of the situation

Denial is an unconscious process.

When we are talking about addiction issues, denial, can be deadly. I often work with clients that experience denial on various levels. One person may have difficulty accepting that he/she is powerless over alcohol, but is able to see just how meth is killing his/her soul. Another client may believe that his/her codependent patterns and characteristics are manageable and is oblivious to the fact that his/her relationship is over; job has been terminated due to sleeping with the boss for a promotion, and the bank account is empty. Denial!

Don’t let denial keep you from the path of recovery. Get help if you aren’t sure if you are experiencing denial. Most often it takes a leap of faith and a tiny bit of trust to allow a close friend, therapist, or member of a 12 Step program to highlight the denial that you just can’t face. You are not alone. 

Sincerely, 

Step One: The Power of Attending Meetings & Prayer

Battling addictions can be an exhaustive process that can leave you feeling hopeless and scared. The power of the programs of Alcoholics Anonymous, Codependents Anonymous, Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, etc., provides hope and encouragement.  

Attending meetings may be scary at first, but once you sit down and listen to others share their courage, strength, and hope, you will come to see that you are not alone. Recovery doesn't have to be an isolative process.  

Opening up about your experience brings a sense of belonging among group members. Often times, group members meet afterwards for Fellowship at a local coffee shop or diner. Here, you can talk about who you are, where you're from, where you want to go, anything! Building connections with others opens new, healthier avenues. You will learn what it means to be a part of a community that is loving and forgiving. That's something that addicts don't always know is available.  

You may also find solace in prayer. Some may believe that "God" or "Higher Power" doesn't really exist or want to help, but that's the addict controlling the situation. You get to decide what type of relationship you have with a power greater than yourself. Till then, look to the Serenity Prayer or First Step Prayer for guidance.  

Serenity Prayer

God (Higher Power), grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.  

First Step Prayer 

Today, I ask for help with my addiction. Denial has kept me from seeing how powerless I am and how my life is  unmanageable. I need to learn and remember that I have an incurable illness and that abstinence is the only way to deal with it. 

Sincerely, 

Tool: Higher Power

I searched online to get a sense of what the Internet has on "Higher Power" and I found a Wikipedia article that says, "In current twelve-step program usage a higher power can be anything at all that the member believes is adequate. Reported examples include their twelve-step group, Nature, consciousness, existential freedom, God, science, Buddha. It is frequently stipulated that as long as a higher power is "greater" than the individual, then the only condition is that it should also be loving and caring."

A belief in a power greater than ourselves is fundamental in 12 Step recovery. It is also one of the most controversial topics for new members. In my experience, new comers are weary of the concept of a "Higher Power" because their first belief stems from their own beliefs about religion. Some believe that "Higher Power" is a religious concept, but in fact it is a spiritual concept. Having a belief in a "Higher Power" is not a belief in a religion. 

When joining the program of Co-Dependents Anonymous, I believed that I couldn't get anything from the program because it required that I buy into Step Three:

"Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God."

At the time, I didn't understand God! In fact, I grew up angry with God because of all the chaos that ensued my childhood. I didn't believe any God would love me, so why would I believe the program would accept me. My view of spirituality, God, and a loving Higher Power was skewed. It took attending meetings and meeting with a sponsor to get clarity.

I learned that Higher Power or God was not my parent's or family's view of God, but my own. I could envision a loving, caring, protective Higher Power as the one that I would turn my will and life over to. This was not easy by any means. I struggled for many months. My sponsor encouraged me to be open minded. I didn't need rush my process. I needed to accept that in order to receive all the benefits of the program, I had to believe in something greater than myself and of my family.

I started to believe that I obviously couldn't be my own Higher Power. I had thought I ran the show of my life but consequentially my life was unmanageable and I was powerless of my addiction. I didn't believe that my family's God was loving or forgiving so I stayed far away from their ideal. If all else had failed, why not try something new---so I did.

Like the Wikipedia article referenced, a "Higher Power" can be nature, a 12 Step group, or science! I connected with animals. I have always been intrigued by the power of the white tiger. Since I was a kid, I have seen all tigers as majestic, loving beings. And they are greater than myself. I have seen tigers love and protect their young on documentaries and visits to the zoo. I figured---why not believe that Higher Power has been present in my life in the form of tigers--my most beloved animal in the entire world.

The one thing that I want you to clearly get is this: a loving and caring Higher Power has to be greater than yourself and of your parents. Your parents may tried to play the role of your Higher Power--leading you to believe they were all knowing and infallible, but that's just not true. They are just like you: perfectly imperfect and that's okay. Find something you can connect with and believe in the process of recovery.

Learn more about Higher Power with these articles:

"A Higher Power for Atheists and Agnostics" by Roger Bissell http://www.rogerbissell.com/id11mm.html

"Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions" http://www.bahaistudies.net/asma/12and12.pdf

"Sober For Thirty Years" by Jim Burwell http://www.barefootsworld.net/aaburwell30.html

Sincerely,

Wisdom Wednesday

"I am ABLE to heal each day."-D.J. Burr, LMHC, NCC

I wrote a collection of affirmations because I needed healing. While I was healing I was also helping others heal. I decided to share my affirmations to colleagues and clients. Today, ABLE Affirmations provide a healing message before a client leaves our offices.The power of healing can be transferred.

What can you do toward your healing? 

How can you help another heal in a loving, healthy, affirmative way?

Sincerely, 

Topic Tuesday: Sex & Love Addiction

Like codependence, sex and love addiction is a process addiction. Sex and love are primitive concepts that are natural and normal. A person may be considered a “sex and love addict” if he or she uses sex, love, and/or relationships as tools to escape painful feelings or augment pleasure. These behaviors become addictive in nature: powerlessness and unmanageability spread throughout.  A sex and love addict may be a person who engages in:

•        compulsive masturbation
•         obsessive porn viewing
•         anonymous sex
•         emotional dependency on another
•         obsessive fantasy

As a recovering sex and love addict, I can say that the process of uncovering all the behaviors I was powerless over was shocking and mind numbing. I had recognized early on that my life seemed somewhat unmanageable, but with new information I learned from my sponsor in CoDA and my therapist, I became willing to see how dysfunctional my life truly was.

I found help in the rooms of Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous. Here, I was able to sit amongst fellow sex and love addicts and it was as if they all had my life. I wasn’t unique. After my first meeting I sat down and took a 40 question self-assessment and my life changed forever and for the better. 

I got a clear picture of my life and my struggles. I also recognized that I could recover. I just had to do the work. I am grateful for the program of SLAA and CoDA. They helped save my life. I hope you find what you are needing in this moment.

Check out the fellowship of Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous.

Sincerely, 

Step One: The Core Symptoms of Codependence

It is my belief that all addictions are rooted in codependence. Codependence has been referred to as " disease of immaturity" and what this means is that individuals have emotionally stunted due to issues in childhood. Those issues in childhood could be a number of things including, but not limited to: 

1. Abuse and/or neglect 

2. Parental addiction 

3. Parental mental illness 
   
   

Basically, anything that might have prevented parents from showing a child the nurture that he/she deserved. As a result of not receiving the nurture, five core symptoms develop: 

1. Difficulty experiencing appropriate levels of self-esteem 

2. Difficulty setting functional boundaries 

3. Difficulty owning own reality 

4. Difficulty acknowledging and meeting own needs and wants 

5. Difficulty experiencing and expressing reality moderately.   

Addicted individuals who experience any of the five core symptoms of codependence seek out substances or processes to numb these symptoms. 

For example, Jenny grew up in an abusive home. Her father was an alcoholic and her mother was mentally ill. Jenny's father worked and required Jenny to stay home from school to care for her mother two to three times per week. Whenever Jenny would return to her high school, kids would make fun of her because they knew her mom was in and out of hospitals, and Jenny couldn't deal with the pain. Jenny came home from school one afternoon and took a bottle of Gin out of the cupboard and began to drink. Jenny's self-esteem was non-existent. She wasn't able to develop a sense of who she was because neither parent was available to tell her. She needed comfort, love, and security, but she had to settle for responsibility, obligation, pain, anger, and shame. Jenny began to drink every day, even those days she didn't get to go into school. Her father noticed his alcohol was missing, but was often too drunk to even speak coherently. Jenny just isolated herself in her room and began compulsively drinking and eating to number her feelings of inferiority, guilt, and shame. 15 years later, Jenny  is single, still cares for her mother and is over 400lbs. She stopped drinking 10 years ago, but was unable to manage her food consumption. Jenny wonders if Overeaters Anonymous would work for her, but is too ashamed.  

Jenny is codependent, alcoholic, and an overeater. My recommendation, get to a Codependents Anonymous and Overeaters Anonymous meeting. The pain and shame of growing up in Jenny's family of origin has kept her emotionally immature. One wrong thing or perceived injustice, and Jenny acts out in her addictions.  

This is what the five core symptoms look like in action. 

Questions to Consider 

1. How was I treated as a child? 
2. Did I feel valued? 
3. How were my imperfections used against me?  
4. How might my addictions be related to my childhood?  

Weekend Retreat

I began my recovery journey with the help of all the books by Pia Mellody. She is an expert on codependence, addiction, and recovery. In her book, The Intimacy Factor, Pia gives readers insight into dealing with relationships: what makes them and what breaks them.

I highly recommend this book if you are looking to understand relationship dynamics. Being in a relationship while in recovery can be very tricky if you don't have an understanding of the basics: boundaries, communication, expectations, and respect. Don't go it alone. Give this book a good read and take notes. My copy is highlighted. :)


In 2013, I saw one of the best movies on addiction, "Thanks for sharing". It is a phenomenal movie starring Hollywood heavy weights, Mark Ruffalo, Gwyneth Paltrow, and Tim Robbins. The movie shares the emotional and psychological ups and downs of several folks in recovery for sex addiction.

It shows how individuals in recovery groups can find the family that we often don't have before recovery. The movie is fun, funny, compassionate, and endearing. I love all the characters and storylines. Invite some friends over and give it a view!

Whatever you decide to do this week, do something fun, relaxing, and on the path of recovery.

Sincerely,

                                                                                                                               

Tool: Sponsorship

spon·sor (sp n s r) n. 1. One who assumes responsibility for another person or a group during a period of instruction, apprenticeship, or probation.

In 12 Step fellowships, a sponsor is a valuable tool. Sponsors help you stay accountable to yourself, your Higher Power, and to your program of recovery. Having a sponsor helps you not feel so alone in the process of recovery. 

It is recommended that you find someone in your program that you can connect with, based on what you have heard him or her share. Men are recommended to have a male sponsor and women a female sponsor. This helps prevent any issues that may arise related to sexual interest. Being a recovery program is about working the program, not finding a partner. 

Once you identify someone that you think you can connect with, invite that person to tea or coffee and ask if he or she is available to sponsor. If he or she is available, you most likely will start your sponsorship relationship off with some guidelines. 

I met my sponsor a couple of year ago. We had tea and he gave me his guidelines. 

1. Daily contact for first 90 days
2. Weekly face to face meeting
3. Weekly step work out of the Big Book
4. Attend at least two meetings a week

And that was just the beginning. Our relationships has been one of the most genuine and caring relationships I have ever had. My sponsor has shown me the path of recovery and walks with me. During our first 90 days of sponsorship, I was able to connect with him and share all of my fear, hope, shame, anxiety, anger, stress--you name it. My sponsor was there as a supportive ear and guide to help me through very difficult times. I am forever grateful to him. 

You can have this experience too. You may not find it right away. You may have trial a couple different people to find the right sponsor for you. It's okay. And you can always look forward to the opportunity of becoming a sponsor yourself. It's an amazing role to be a sponsor. I enjoy the work I have with my sponsees. It's all a process and when you are ready the path is right in front of you. 

Sincerely, 

Wisdom Wednesday

" I enjoy an abundance of happiness."-Anonymous

I get to spend quality time with loved ones that don't have ulterior motives to take advantage of me or cause me any harm. That makes me happy. I watch tv with my husband and our pets and that makes me happy. I run a successful business. That makes me happy.

All the things that make me happy were once threatened by addiction. Today, I get to enjoy what I have and no longer have to crave the things that I don't need.

What makes you happy?

Sincerely, 

Topic Tuesday: Codependence

Codependence is a deeply rooted, compulsive behavior that is born out of a less than nurturing or abusive environment in childhood. A child’s emotional development may be stunted due to the lack of nurturance, love, guidance, support, and direction that his/her parents are supposed to impart on the child’s life.

As a result of growing up in this environment, a child develops into an adult who may display some or all of the characteristics outlined below. Codependents:

•         may not be aware of how they feel.
•         tend to fear and/or worry how others may respond to their feelings.
•        are not aware of their needs and wants.
•         have difficulty having fun.
•         judge themselves and/or others harshly.
•         are terrified of being left or abandoned
•         over react to changes over which we do not have any control.
•         are extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.
•        freely offer advice to others without being asked.

The major characteristics of codependence fall into four categories: control, compliance, low self-esteem, and denial. The fellowship of Codependents Anonymous has a self-evaluation tool. Talk with a therapist or attend a CoDA meeting for a safe place to explore your codependence.

Here is the link to the fellowship of Co-Dependents Anonymous.

Sincerely,

Step One: Powerless & Unmanageability

Admitting powerlessness is absolutely essential to breaking the addiction cycle, which is made up of five points:

1. Pain
2. Reaching out to an addictive agent, such as work, food, sex, alcohol, or dependent relationships to salve our pain
3. Temporary anesthesia
4. Negative consequences
5. Shame and guilt, which result in more pain or low self-esteem

For example, the workaholic who has low self-esteem (pain) begins to overwork (addictive agent), which results in praise, success, and achievement (relief). However, as a rule, family relationships and his personal relationship with God suffer terribly because of preoccupation with work (negative consequences). The result is an even greater sense of shame and guilt because of inadequacies, both real and imagined, which brings him back to point 1 in the addiction cycle. Now the workaholic feels compelled to work even harder to overcome his guilt. 

Understanding the addiction cycle is important because it helps explain why for both the Oxford Group and for Bill Wilson, the admission of powerlessness is the first step to recovery. Otherwise, we remain caught. If we rely on willpower alone, then the only thing we know to do is to escalate our addiction to get out of the pain. Step 1 calls us to do less - to yield, to surrender, to let go. - Serenity, A Companion for Twelve Step Recovery, p. 22-23.

Unmanageability looks different for each person. Life became unmanageable for me when I:

1. would abandon my job and pursue my addiction at all times of day and night.
2. hooked up with other people, leaving my husband at home wondering where I was and if I were safe.
3. couldn't make a decision that wasn't tied to whether or not I would get sex, attention, or "love" from someone else.
4. had unprotected sex because I stopped caring about whether I lived or died.

Unmanageability can take people to the extremes. I have worked with people that stopped eating because they believed themselves to be fat and thought starvation was their only option; people that had non stop sexual encounters till their bodies gave out, because they felt like crap and just wanted to feel wanted; and some even drank themselves into a black out, hoping to never wake up to deal with the consequences of their actions. Scary stuff!

The 12 Steps and all the anonymous programs are beneficial to breaking the addictive cycle and regaining manageability in people's lives.

Questions to Consider
1. How would you summarize the powerlessness and unmanageability of your life in the face of your addiction?
2. Describe any irrational or crazy set of events that have happened since you began you addictive behavior. Did you rationalize this behavior? If so, in what way?
3. Describe attempts that you have made in the past to control your addictive behaviors.How successful have they been? Do these attempts show the powerlessness that you have over your addictive behaviors?

Weekend Retreat

Welcome to the weekend! I hope that your week has been pleasurable. Let's get ready for the weekend by looking at some suggested activities for you to engage in.

Love Sick: One Woman's Journey through Sexual Addiction first got on my radar when I was watching Lifetime TV. The movie was based on the book and I loved it! It starred Sally Pressman from one of my favorite shows, Army Wives, so I was hooked from the moment it came on.

Sue William Silverman provides readers a look at sexual addiction from a woman's point of view. I quickly ordered the book after watching the movie.

Here's what I found on Amazon.com about this book:

This compelling story of recovery takes us through 28 days in an inpatient clinic for female sex addicts. Silverman explores the psychology of addiction on a deeply personal level, sharing her struggles with self-destructive tendencies and her desperate desire to be loved, no matter what the cost. Molested repeatedly by her father during her childhood, she realizes the connection between her sexual abuse and her desire to be loved by dangerous, inaccessible men. She finds she must come to terms with anger at her mother, who refused to recognize the sexual abuse of her daughters and intervene on their behalf. Candid, emotionally raw, often frightening, Silverman's account is never sugarcoated, and there are no happy platitudes or breezy success stories in it. It is deeply moving, however, and should inspire anyone going through a 12-step program, whether for sexual addiction or other conditions, and help addicts' friends and family members understand the journey their loved ones must travel in order to heal. Bonnie Johnston
Copyright © American Library Association. All rights reserved --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

Tool: Meetings

I always hesitated when it came to attending 12 Step meetings. I was afraid of being judged, laughed at, or shamed because I couldn't figure my life out. I made up in my mind that going to a meeting was a scary endeavor. Boy, was I wrong!

Anonymous group meetings have been happening for over 70 years. That's a lot of meetings. I am grateful for the opportunity to attend meetings today. New comers and old-timers alike will all have varying experiences when it comes to attending a meeting. 

There are so many options to choose from. You may attend an all men or all women group. You can attend groups focused on studying the Big Book of their respective fellowship. There are even groups for those of us that identify as gay, lesbian, etc. Some meetings are "Open", which means that anyone can attend. "Closed" meetings imply that the people attended need to identify as needing the meeting. Outside observers are asked to only attend "Open" meetings. 

A meeting exists if you want it. Sometimes it doesn't even have to be face to face. Over the last few years, meetings online have cropped up. Some fellowships even offer Skype meetings. I once attended a phone meeting. It was set up exactly like a face to face meeting. 

The traditional meeting format may look similar to this outline:

1. Welcome by meeting leader
2. Everyone that wants to introduces themselves...."Hi, I'm____ and I am a_____."
3. Literature of the program is read
4. Meeting open for sharing 
5. Close with the Serenity Prayer
6. Fellowship (gathering of members outside of the meeting to chat, have tea, etc.)

I ran a meeting for 8 months for the fellowship of Co-Dependents Anonymous. It was an amazing experience. Being in a meeting allows me the freedom to speak my truth without judgment, shame, or harm. I have always felt safe in a meeting. 

If you are ready to attend a meeting but are fearful about what the experience may look like, I would recommend finding an "Open" meeting, which means anyone can attend. Ask a friend or support person to go with you. He or she doesn't have to participate, but you can have someone in the room that you know and can feel comfortable with. Be patient with yourself. You will know when you are ready. 

Here are some links to 12 Step fellowships: AA, NA, SLAA, CoDA, GA

Sincerely,