Eighteen months ago, I entered recovery kicking and screaming. With the emotional force of atomic explosion,
my world had fallen completely apart six months before that. Along with a very long list of unfortunate
character traits, I have been blessed
with the gifts of curiosity and a ‘can-do’ attitude. I focused my full attention and explored
every idea I came in contact with to salvage the pieces of my life in the hopes
I could eventually glue them back together.
12-step programs and meditation hit my radar screen within the same
month. I dove into both.
I had only vaguely heard of meditation before then. I had no clue as to its objective nor how to
‘do it’. My initial guidance was from an
unassuming man who invited me to mediate with him and a few other quiet people
whose names and faces are lost to me now.
He provided me with less than five minutes of training before we sat for
my first time. Half-hour later the group
got up and walked away. The man didn’t
say a thing to me, except that he would be meditating there again that
evening. He gave no indication he was
expecting a response.
I felt befuddled as I walked away from my first
session. I was expecting to be asked
about my time sitting. I expected to be
counseled, corrected, judged. I expected
to feel uncomfortable to see the others talking afterward, knowing that I
wanted to be invisible and neither engage in chat nor slip noticeably
away. I felt a strange relief that there
was no after meditation interaction. I
reflected on my experience. It didn’t
hurt. I didn’t feel shame. I didn’t feel
tired. In fact I didn’t really feel
anything. Just a vague calmness that dissipated
several minutes later when I picked up the activities of my day again.
I returned that evening.
Then again the next day twice more.
And the next. And the next for
several weeks until the universe dissolved the group. After some sits I felt frustrated, after some
I felt angry, but mostly I felt an unusual calm that was fleeting but
peaceful. And this was a huge contrast
to the rest of my recovery work, where I generally felt like I was doing hard
work.
Eighteen months later I am still meditating. Not in a structured way or to a
timetable. I tried that but I soon began
to feel stressed and like I was failing.
And my meditation has somehow led me to explore other new things in my
life – like the philosophy of Buddhism, for example. Things that are helping me glue back those
pieces of my shattered life. And most
curiously of all, I am gluing them back in new, much healthier way. For me, that’s what recovery is.---R.H.
Thank you, thank you, thank you! What a powerful, well-written, exploration into the recovery tool of meditation. If you haven't added meditation to your practice, now is the time. The universe keeps us busy, but we have to make the time to pause, relax, and enjoy the silence. Mediation is something that I am working on myself. Let's all give it a try in the New Year.
Sincerely,
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