Every human being comes into the world wanting to be loved. Without love, we are left with heartache, pain, grief, regret, shame and guilt. This is not how I wanted to live my life.
At 26, I set out on a journey to help others as a licensed psychotherapist. I set up shop in Seattle and attempted to do the best work I could possibly do. I wanted to help heal others of heartache, pain, grief, regret, shame and guilt. It was a challenge that I wanted to overcome. “How will I do this?” I often pondered. I hadn’t yet healed my own wounds.
Trying to be present for other people’s issues was the most challenging effort of my life. I was not only a therapist but a teacher. My clients looked to me for education, guidance, and reassurance that life wouldn’t always be so cruel. I couldn’t offer much reassurance, but I could offer one thing: I would be present as long as they showed up and did the work. And they did…
As my clients were showing up and my practice was starting to take off, I felt this nagging sensation buried deep inside. I still didn’t feel like I was loved. This was a deeply rooted feeling that I couldn’t shake. As I tried to fight it so I could stay present for my clients, I sunk into an abyss of shame.
The shame told me that “I am not good enough”, “I don’t deserve to be loved”, “and I will be a failure in this business”. Fuck! How was I supposed to manage now?
For the last three years I have been trying to figure it all out. I hit bottom and realized that I didn’t love myself. That was what I was missing. I had no earthly idea how to genuinely love myself. With the guidance of a therapist I ventured into a space of self-discovery.
I came to understand that several of my negative thoughts and behaviors were caught up in an addictive cycle. I am codependent. In the past, I placed my value dependent on what other people thought about me. Well, I was raised in a less than nurturing and sometimes abusive household so I grew up believing that I am “worthless”, “Only good for taking care of others”, and “Never going to be loved”.
I spent 29 years of my life caught up in other people, places, and things that were distracting me from my goals of finding love and happiness. The shame that was deep seated kept me believing that I would never, ever be loved, by anyone.
It was all bullshit. The shame is false. I am worthy of love. I found out I was lovable, loving, and loved by trusting in the power of 12 Step meetings. I found a community that accepted me for all my humanely traits, including my flaws. I found a sponsor that guides me on a journey of self-discovery that is natural, loving, and healing.
Through my own work, I have been able to truly be present at my practice. I now help others find out who they are and determine who they want to be. No fairytales here, just real life work by real people wanting to be loved.
I chronicled my life and journey to healing in my latest book, I JUST WANTED LOVE: RECOVERY OF A CODEPENDENT, SEX AND LOVE ADDICT, which will be out in 2014. Let me help you find the love you have for yourself so you can find the love of another.
As far as ABLE Life, I want to share the tools and resources that I use everyday. I am always opened to feedback. Let me know what you think! Thank you for joining me.
Sincerely,
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