Topic Tuesday: Boundaries

Boundaries are my favorite topic!! I learned boundaries early on in my recovery journey. My sponsor taught me many great tools for setting boundaries.

Boundaries can be internal and external. Internal boundaries are your personal thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.

External boundaries can include the space in which you presently are; the guidelines in which you establish to be in a relationship with another person; or the limitations in which you keep to protect yourself from engaging in acting out behaviors.

To appropriately set boundaries, I think you must know some key elements:

1. What are your needs and wants?
2. What feels comfortable? Uncomfortable?
3. Where do I end and the other person start?
4. How much am I willing to sacrifice?
5. Is this about me or about them?

These are just the basics. Boundaries allow you to be know; others to know you; others to be known; compromise or negotiation. When boundaries don't exist, we can get ourselves in to deep trouble. Watch out for these unhealthy boundaries:

10 Signs of Unhealthy Boundaries

1.      Providing intimate details about your life to someone that you do not know.

2.      Touching someone without permission.

3.      Allowing others to touch you without giving permission.

4.      Going against personal values to please others.

5.      Believing others can anticipate your needs.

6.      Manipulating someone for your benefit.

7.      Letting others define your reality.

8.      Letting others direct your life.

9.      Staying in an unhealthy environment too long.

10.   Using sex to gain approval and acceptance. 

Here is an example of a boundary one might have to set within recovery.  You may know someone that is new to recovery. This person doesn't have a clear idea of what's appropriate communication. You often hear this person over-share and provide intimate details that are triggering for you. The over-sharing brings up your own personal feelings of guilt and shame. You feel annoyed that this person just doesn't get it. 

Well, to establish a boundary you need to get clear about your feelings. You are feeling annoyed and maybe frustrated at this person's lack of skills in the appropriate communication department. My recommendation would be to approach the person, ask if he/she is available to chat for a bit. Then you might say, "______, I feel agitated and angry when you talk about explicit details. I don't want to feel that way. I wonder if you might consider leaving out those triggering details. It would make me feel more comfortable and I think you and I would be able to chat more freely, about recovery, without all the detail. Is that something you can do?"

You can't make a person change, but you can request a change in the behavior that is triggering for you. If for some reason you don't get a helpful, compassionate, and understanding response--you have to focus on the internal boudaries. That might look like you simply stating, "I feel agitated when you talk about ____, and since you can't agree to tailor our discussions, I can't be around you." END OF DISCUSSION!

You have the right to be respected. I hope you all know that. 

Try to set some boundaries this week. I would love to hear your success stories. 

That's all for now. Stay safe, sane, and sober!

Sincerely, 

Weekend Retreat

Welcome to the weekend!! I have some books for you. Alright, so after this post you may now refer to me as Pia Mellody's biggest fan! I just have to let you know about the best book I have ever read about codependence: Facing Codependence! I credit this book and author with getting me on the path to recovery.

It all started when my sponsor recommended it. I told myself that I wasn't a book reader so why bother, but I am glad I didn't listen to that negative internal voice. Of course I am a book reader. Hell, I am even a book writer.

I started down the journey of reading Facing Codependence and it was hard! The material was so true to my core that it was so difficult to stomach at times. Pia Mellody truly captures that essence of what codependence is, where it comes from, how it can destroy lives, and most importantly, how to recover from it. She highlights topics including setting functional boundaries, self esteem, family of origin, and much more!

After completing the book and reviewing the companion workbook, Breaking Free, I started a six month therapeutic treatment group at my counseling practice using the tools that Pia laid out. Phenomenal success! I know that these two resources will give you what you need on your journey.

Enjoy your weekend!

Sincerely,

Step One: The Core Symptoms of Codependence

It is my belief that all addictions are rooted in codependence. Codependence has been referred to as " disease of immaturity" and what this means is that individuals have emotionally stunted due to issues in childhood. Those issues in childhood could be a number of things including, but not limited to: 

1. Abuse and/or neglect 

2. Parental addiction 

3. Parental mental illness 
   
   

Basically, anything that might have prevented parents from showing a child the nurture that he/she deserved. As a result of not receiving the nurture, five core symptoms develop: 

1. Difficulty experiencing appropriate levels of self-esteem 

2. Difficulty setting functional boundaries 

3. Difficulty owning own reality 

4. Difficulty acknowledging and meeting own needs and wants 

5. Difficulty experiencing and expressing reality moderately.   

Addicted individuals who experience any of the five core symptoms of codependence seek out substances or processes to numb these symptoms. 

For example, Jenny grew up in an abusive home. Her father was an alcoholic and her mother was mentally ill. Jenny's father worked and required Jenny to stay home from school to care for her mother two to three times per week. Whenever Jenny would return to her high school, kids would make fun of her because they knew her mom was in and out of hospitals, and Jenny couldn't deal with the pain. Jenny came home from school one afternoon and took a bottle of Gin out of the cupboard and began to drink. Jenny's self-esteem was non-existent. She wasn't able to develop a sense of who she was because neither parent was available to tell her. She needed comfort, love, and security, but she had to settle for responsibility, obligation, pain, anger, and shame. Jenny began to drink every day, even those days she didn't get to go into school. Her father noticed his alcohol was missing, but was often too drunk to even speak coherently. Jenny just isolated herself in her room and began compulsively drinking and eating to number her feelings of inferiority, guilt, and shame. 15 years later, Jenny  is single, still cares for her mother and is over 400lbs. She stopped drinking 10 years ago, but was unable to manage her food consumption. Jenny wonders if Overeaters Anonymous would work for her, but is too ashamed.  

Jenny is codependent, alcoholic, and an overeater. My recommendation, get to a Codependents Anonymous and Overeaters Anonymous meeting. The pain and shame of growing up in Jenny's family of origin has kept her emotionally immature. One wrong thing or perceived injustice, and Jenny acts out in her addictions.  

This is what the five core symptoms look like in action. 

Questions to Consider 

1. How was I treated as a child? 
2. Did I feel valued? 
3. How were my imperfections used against me?  
4. How might my addictions be related to my childhood?  

Weekend Retreat

Welcome to the weekend! I hope that your week has been pleasurable. Let's get ready for the weekend by looking at some suggested activities for you to engage in.

Love Sick: One Woman's Journey through Sexual Addiction first got on my radar when I was watching Lifetime TV. The movie was based on the book and I loved it! It starred Sally Pressman from one of my favorite shows, Army Wives, so I was hooked from the moment it came on.

Sue William Silverman provides readers a look at sexual addiction from a woman's point of view. I quickly ordered the book after watching the movie.

Here's what I found on Amazon.com about this book:

This compelling story of recovery takes us through 28 days in an inpatient clinic for female sex addicts. Silverman explores the psychology of addiction on a deeply personal level, sharing her struggles with self-destructive tendencies and her desperate desire to be loved, no matter what the cost. Molested repeatedly by her father during her childhood, she realizes the connection between her sexual abuse and her desire to be loved by dangerous, inaccessible men. She finds she must come to terms with anger at her mother, who refused to recognize the sexual abuse of her daughters and intervene on their behalf. Candid, emotionally raw, often frightening, Silverman's account is never sugarcoated, and there are no happy platitudes or breezy success stories in it. It is deeply moving, however, and should inspire anyone going through a 12-step program, whether for sexual addiction or other conditions, and help addicts' friends and family members understand the journey their loved ones must travel in order to heal. Bonnie Johnston
Copyright © American Library Association. All rights reserved --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.