Topic Tuesday: Denial

Denial is not a river in Egypt. Denial is an insidious, often debilitating psychological defense mechanism. When you're in denial, you:

• Refuse to acknowledge a stressful problem or situation
• Avoid facing the facts of the situation
• Minimize the consequences of the situation

Denial is an unconscious process.

When we are talking about addiction issues, denial, can be deadly. I often work with clients that experience denial on various levels. One person may have difficulty accepting that he/she is powerless over alcohol, but is able to see just how meth is killing his/her soul. Another client may believe that his/her codependent patterns and characteristics are manageable and is oblivious to the fact that his/her relationship is over; job has been terminated due to sleeping with the boss for a promotion, and the bank account is empty. Denial!

Don’t let denial keep you from the path of recovery. Get help if you aren’t sure if you are experiencing denial. Most often it takes a leap of faith and a tiny bit of trust to allow a close friend, therapist, or member of a 12 Step program to highlight the denial that you just can’t face. You are not alone. 

Sincerely, 

Weekend Retreat

I began my recovery journey with the help of all the books by Pia Mellody. She is an expert on codependence, addiction, and recovery. In her book, The Intimacy Factor, Pia gives readers insight into dealing with relationships: what makes them and what breaks them.

I highly recommend this book if you are looking to understand relationship dynamics. Being in a relationship while in recovery can be very tricky if you don't have an understanding of the basics: boundaries, communication, expectations, and respect. Don't go it alone. Give this book a good read and take notes. My copy is highlighted. :)


In 2013, I saw one of the best movies on addiction, "Thanks for sharing". It is a phenomenal movie starring Hollywood heavy weights, Mark Ruffalo, Gwyneth Paltrow, and Tim Robbins. The movie shares the emotional and psychological ups and downs of several folks in recovery for sex addiction.

It shows how individuals in recovery groups can find the family that we often don't have before recovery. The movie is fun, funny, compassionate, and endearing. I love all the characters and storylines. Invite some friends over and give it a view!

Whatever you decide to do this week, do something fun, relaxing, and on the path of recovery.

Sincerely,

                                                                                                                               

Step One: Powerless & Unmanageability

Admitting powerlessness is absolutely essential to breaking the addiction cycle, which is made up of five points:

1. Pain
2. Reaching out to an addictive agent, such as work, food, sex, alcohol, or dependent relationships to salve our pain
3. Temporary anesthesia
4. Negative consequences
5. Shame and guilt, which result in more pain or low self-esteem

For example, the workaholic who has low self-esteem (pain) begins to overwork (addictive agent), which results in praise, success, and achievement (relief). However, as a rule, family relationships and his personal relationship with God suffer terribly because of preoccupation with work (negative consequences). The result is an even greater sense of shame and guilt because of inadequacies, both real and imagined, which brings him back to point 1 in the addiction cycle. Now the workaholic feels compelled to work even harder to overcome his guilt. 

Understanding the addiction cycle is important because it helps explain why for both the Oxford Group and for Bill Wilson, the admission of powerlessness is the first step to recovery. Otherwise, we remain caught. If we rely on willpower alone, then the only thing we know to do is to escalate our addiction to get out of the pain. Step 1 calls us to do less - to yield, to surrender, to let go. - Serenity, A Companion for Twelve Step Recovery, p. 22-23.

Unmanageability looks different for each person. Life became unmanageable for me when I:

1. would abandon my job and pursue my addiction at all times of day and night.
2. hooked up with other people, leaving my husband at home wondering where I was and if I were safe.
3. couldn't make a decision that wasn't tied to whether or not I would get sex, attention, or "love" from someone else.
4. had unprotected sex because I stopped caring about whether I lived or died.

Unmanageability can take people to the extremes. I have worked with people that stopped eating because they believed themselves to be fat and thought starvation was their only option; people that had non stop sexual encounters till their bodies gave out, because they felt like crap and just wanted to feel wanted; and some even drank themselves into a black out, hoping to never wake up to deal with the consequences of their actions. Scary stuff!

The 12 Steps and all the anonymous programs are beneficial to breaking the addictive cycle and regaining manageability in people's lives.

Questions to Consider
1. How would you summarize the powerlessness and unmanageability of your life in the face of your addiction?
2. Describe any irrational or crazy set of events that have happened since you began you addictive behavior. Did you rationalize this behavior? If so, in what way?
3. Describe attempts that you have made in the past to control your addictive behaviors.How successful have they been? Do these attempts show the powerlessness that you have over your addictive behaviors?

Step One: The Facts

Step One: We admitted that we were powerless over our addiction-that our lives had become unmanageable.

In the rooms of recovery, I have often heard "The Steps are the Steps" meaning that The 12 Steps, pioneered by Alcoholics Anonymous, can be applied to any addictive process that one may be experiencing difficulty over.

Step One is our gateway to freedom. In this step, we have come to the conclusion that whatever our addiction is (alcohol, sex, drugs, relationships, shopping, masturbation, etc) we no longer have the ability to control ourselves. The substance or process has control over us. As a result of that control, our lives have spun out and are no longer manageable.

For today, ask yourself about your own addictive process.

1. What substances and/or processes do I feel no control over?
2. What consequences have I suffered?
3. Am I ready to admit that my life has become unmanageable?

Sincerely,