Topic Tuesday: Sex & Love Addiction

Like codependence, sex and love addiction is a process addiction. Sex and love are primitive concepts that are natural and normal. A person may be considered a “sex and love addict” if he or she uses sex, love, and/or relationships as tools to escape painful feelings or augment pleasure. These behaviors become addictive in nature: powerlessness and unmanageability spread throughout.  A sex and love addict may be a person who engages in:

•        compulsive masturbation
•         obsessive porn viewing
•         anonymous sex
•         emotional dependency on another
•         obsessive fantasy

As a recovering sex and love addict, I can say that the process of uncovering all the behaviors I was powerless over was shocking and mind numbing. I had recognized early on that my life seemed somewhat unmanageable, but with new information I learned from my sponsor in CoDA and my therapist, I became willing to see how dysfunctional my life truly was.

I found help in the rooms of Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous. Here, I was able to sit amongst fellow sex and love addicts and it was as if they all had my life. I wasn’t unique. After my first meeting I sat down and took a 40 question self-assessment and my life changed forever and for the better. 

I got a clear picture of my life and my struggles. I also recognized that I could recover. I just had to do the work. I am grateful for the program of SLAA and CoDA. They helped save my life. I hope you find what you are needing in this moment.

Check out the fellowship of Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous.

Sincerely, 

Weekend Retreat

I began my recovery journey with the help of all the books by Pia Mellody. She is an expert on codependence, addiction, and recovery. In her book, The Intimacy Factor, Pia gives readers insight into dealing with relationships: what makes them and what breaks them.

I highly recommend this book if you are looking to understand relationship dynamics. Being in a relationship while in recovery can be very tricky if you don't have an understanding of the basics: boundaries, communication, expectations, and respect. Don't go it alone. Give this book a good read and take notes. My copy is highlighted. :)


In 2013, I saw one of the best movies on addiction, "Thanks for sharing". It is a phenomenal movie starring Hollywood heavy weights, Mark Ruffalo, Gwyneth Paltrow, and Tim Robbins. The movie shares the emotional and psychological ups and downs of several folks in recovery for sex addiction.

It shows how individuals in recovery groups can find the family that we often don't have before recovery. The movie is fun, funny, compassionate, and endearing. I love all the characters and storylines. Invite some friends over and give it a view!

Whatever you decide to do this week, do something fun, relaxing, and on the path of recovery.

Sincerely,

                                                                                                                               

Weekend Retreat

Welcome to the weekend! I hope that your week has been pleasurable. Let's get ready for the weekend by looking at some suggested activities for you to engage in.

Love Sick: One Woman's Journey through Sexual Addiction first got on my radar when I was watching Lifetime TV. The movie was based on the book and I loved it! It starred Sally Pressman from one of my favorite shows, Army Wives, so I was hooked from the moment it came on.

Sue William Silverman provides readers a look at sexual addiction from a woman's point of view. I quickly ordered the book after watching the movie.

Here's what I found on Amazon.com about this book:

This compelling story of recovery takes us through 28 days in an inpatient clinic for female sex addicts. Silverman explores the psychology of addiction on a deeply personal level, sharing her struggles with self-destructive tendencies and her desperate desire to be loved, no matter what the cost. Molested repeatedly by her father during her childhood, she realizes the connection between her sexual abuse and her desire to be loved by dangerous, inaccessible men. She finds she must come to terms with anger at her mother, who refused to recognize the sexual abuse of her daughters and intervene on their behalf. Candid, emotionally raw, often frightening, Silverman's account is never sugarcoated, and there are no happy platitudes or breezy success stories in it. It is deeply moving, however, and should inspire anyone going through a 12-step program, whether for sexual addiction or other conditions, and help addicts' friends and family members understand the journey their loved ones must travel in order to heal. Bonnie Johnston
Copyright © American Library Association. All rights reserved --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

I Just Wanted Love

Hi and thank you for joining me on the recovery journey. I wanted to give you more insight into who I am and why I am writing this blog. Here's a snippet of my story:


Every human being comes into the world wanting to be loved. Without love, we are left with heartache, pain, grief, regret, shame and guilt. This is not how I wanted to live my life.
At 26, I set out on a journey to help others as a licensed psychotherapist. I set up shop in Seattle and attempted to do the best work I could possibly do. I wanted to help heal others of heartache, pain, grief, regret, shame and guilt. It was a challenge that I wanted to overcome. “How will I do this?” I often pondered. I hadn’t yet healed my own wounds.

Trying to be present for other people’s issues was the most challenging effort of my life. I was not only a therapist but a teacher. My clients looked to me for education, guidance, and reassurance that life wouldn’t always be so cruel. I couldn’t offer much reassurance, but I could offer one thing: I would be present as long as they showed up and did the work. And they did…

As my clients were showing up and my practice was starting to take off, I felt this nagging sensation buried deep inside. I still didn’t feel like I was loved. This was a deeply rooted feeling that I couldn’t shake. As I tried to fight it so I could stay present for my clients, I sunk into an abyss of shame.
The shame told me that “I am not good enough”, “I don’t deserve to be loved”, “and I will be a failure in this business”. Fuck! How was I supposed to manage now?

For the last three years I have been trying to figure it all out. I hit bottom and realized that I didn’t love myself. That was what I was missing. I had no earthly idea how to genuinely love myself. With the guidance of a therapist I ventured into a space of self-discovery.

I came to understand that several of my negative thoughts and behaviors were caught up in an addictive cycle. I am codependent. In the past, I placed my value dependent on what other people thought about me. Well, I was raised in a less than nurturing and sometimes abusive household so I grew up believing that I am “worthless”, “Only good for taking care of others”, and “Never going to be loved”.

I spent 29 years of my life caught up in other people, places, and things that were distracting me from my goals of finding love and happiness. The shame that was deep seated kept me believing that I would never, ever be loved, by anyone.

It was all bullshit. The shame is false. I am worthy of love. I found out I was lovable, loving, and loved by trusting in the power of 12 Step meetings. I found a community that accepted me for all my humanely traits, including my flaws. I found a sponsor that guides me on a journey of self-discovery that is natural, loving, and healing.

Through my own work, I have been able to truly be present at my practice. I now help others find out who they are and determine who they want to be. No fairytales here, just real life work by real people wanting to be loved.

I chronicled my life and journey to healing in my latest book, I JUST WANTED LOVE: RECOVERY OF A CODEPENDENT, SEX AND LOVE ADDICT, which will be out in 2014. Let me help you find the love you have for yourself so you can find the love of another.

As far as ABLE Life, I want to share the tools and resources that I use everyday. I am always opened to feedback. Let me know what you think! Thank you for joining me.

Sincerely,