Topic Tuesday: The Love Avoidant

I often talk to clients and those in recovery about love addiction, but rarely do I have the experience of discussing the ins and outs of "the love avoidant" which can play a significant role in love addiction.

A person who is a love avoidant typically enters relationships to take on the "caretaker" role. This person is fueled with compulsive desires to engulf the relationship with his/her caretaking abilities. It's nice to have a partner that is invested in taking care of you, but when the caretaker becomes resentful for the amount of work he/she is doing, that's when the problems begin to emerge.

The love avoidant will begin to hide behind walls and essentially distances him/herself from the relationship. The resentment is so strong that if he/she stayed connected it would only cause additional tension and chaos.

The typical cycle of the love avoidant looks like this:

1. Love Avoidant gets involved in a relationship, which may or may not be what he/she wants. There is a caretaker value system that is ingrained in the love avoidant, so if he/she says "No" to entering the relationship he/she will feel guilty. So he/she enters to avoid guilt feelings. 
2. Love Avoidant begins to hide behind walls of seduction to prevent the partner, usually the love addict, from noticing the wall is more like seclusion. Being in the relationship makes the love avoidant feel controlled and suffocated. 
3. Love Avoidant becomes overwhelmed with the suffocated feelings and begins to build resentment toward the partner. 
4. Love Avoidant distances him/herself from the relationship and most often takes a "victim" stance. 
5. Love Avoidant looks outside of him/herself to feel more alive and gets involved in intense processes. 
6. Love Avoidant may begin to feel guilty for being distanced from his/her partner so the cycle either restarts or the love avoidant gets a new partner for a fresh start of the addictive process. 

Sound exhausting? It is for both the love avoidant and the love addict. These two most often have significant trauma histories that developed these blueprints for behaving. 

Questions to Consider

1. Have you thought about your relationship in this way?

2. If this is your situation, what will you do next?

3. How can your recovery support be helpful to you now?

Check out Facing Love Addiction by Pia Mellody for more info on love addiction and love avoidance. 

Take care everyone. Stay safe, sane, and sober!

Sincerely, 

Topic Tuesday: Denial

Denial is not a river in Egypt. Denial is an insidious, often debilitating psychological defense mechanism. When you're in denial, you:

• Refuse to acknowledge a stressful problem or situation
• Avoid facing the facts of the situation
• Minimize the consequences of the situation

Denial is an unconscious process.

When we are talking about addiction issues, denial, can be deadly. I often work with clients that experience denial on various levels. One person may have difficulty accepting that he/she is powerless over alcohol, but is able to see just how meth is killing his/her soul. Another client may believe that his/her codependent patterns and characteristics are manageable and is oblivious to the fact that his/her relationship is over; job has been terminated due to sleeping with the boss for a promotion, and the bank account is empty. Denial!

Don’t let denial keep you from the path of recovery. Get help if you aren’t sure if you are experiencing denial. Most often it takes a leap of faith and a tiny bit of trust to allow a close friend, therapist, or member of a 12 Step program to highlight the denial that you just can’t face. You are not alone. 

Sincerely, 

Topic Tuesday: Sex & Love Addiction

Like codependence, sex and love addiction is a process addiction. Sex and love are primitive concepts that are natural and normal. A person may be considered a “sex and love addict” if he or she uses sex, love, and/or relationships as tools to escape painful feelings or augment pleasure. These behaviors become addictive in nature: powerlessness and unmanageability spread throughout.  A sex and love addict may be a person who engages in:

•        compulsive masturbation
•         obsessive porn viewing
•         anonymous sex
•         emotional dependency on another
•         obsessive fantasy

As a recovering sex and love addict, I can say that the process of uncovering all the behaviors I was powerless over was shocking and mind numbing. I had recognized early on that my life seemed somewhat unmanageable, but with new information I learned from my sponsor in CoDA and my therapist, I became willing to see how dysfunctional my life truly was.

I found help in the rooms of Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous. Here, I was able to sit amongst fellow sex and love addicts and it was as if they all had my life. I wasn’t unique. After my first meeting I sat down and took a 40 question self-assessment and my life changed forever and for the better. 

I got a clear picture of my life and my struggles. I also recognized that I could recover. I just had to do the work. I am grateful for the program of SLAA and CoDA. They helped save my life. I hope you find what you are needing in this moment.

Check out the fellowship of Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous.

Sincerely, 

Weekend Retreat

I began my recovery journey with the help of all the books by Pia Mellody. She is an expert on codependence, addiction, and recovery. In her book, The Intimacy Factor, Pia gives readers insight into dealing with relationships: what makes them and what breaks them.

I highly recommend this book if you are looking to understand relationship dynamics. Being in a relationship while in recovery can be very tricky if you don't have an understanding of the basics: boundaries, communication, expectations, and respect. Don't go it alone. Give this book a good read and take notes. My copy is highlighted. :)


In 2013, I saw one of the best movies on addiction, "Thanks for sharing". It is a phenomenal movie starring Hollywood heavy weights, Mark Ruffalo, Gwyneth Paltrow, and Tim Robbins. The movie shares the emotional and psychological ups and downs of several folks in recovery for sex addiction.

It shows how individuals in recovery groups can find the family that we often don't have before recovery. The movie is fun, funny, compassionate, and endearing. I love all the characters and storylines. Invite some friends over and give it a view!

Whatever you decide to do this week, do something fun, relaxing, and on the path of recovery.

Sincerely,

                                                                                                                               

Weekend Retreat

Welcome to the weekend! I hope that your week has been pleasurable. Let's get ready for the weekend by looking at some suggested activities for you to engage in.

Love Sick: One Woman's Journey through Sexual Addiction first got on my radar when I was watching Lifetime TV. The movie was based on the book and I loved it! It starred Sally Pressman from one of my favorite shows, Army Wives, so I was hooked from the moment it came on.

Sue William Silverman provides readers a look at sexual addiction from a woman's point of view. I quickly ordered the book after watching the movie.

Here's what I found on Amazon.com about this book:

This compelling story of recovery takes us through 28 days in an inpatient clinic for female sex addicts. Silverman explores the psychology of addiction on a deeply personal level, sharing her struggles with self-destructive tendencies and her desperate desire to be loved, no matter what the cost. Molested repeatedly by her father during her childhood, she realizes the connection between her sexual abuse and her desire to be loved by dangerous, inaccessible men. She finds she must come to terms with anger at her mother, who refused to recognize the sexual abuse of her daughters and intervene on their behalf. Candid, emotionally raw, often frightening, Silverman's account is never sugarcoated, and there are no happy platitudes or breezy success stories in it. It is deeply moving, however, and should inspire anyone going through a 12-step program, whether for sexual addiction or other conditions, and help addicts' friends and family members understand the journey their loved ones must travel in order to heal. Bonnie Johnston
Copyright © American Library Association. All rights reserved --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

I Just Wanted Love

Hi and thank you for joining me on the recovery journey. I wanted to give you more insight into who I am and why I am writing this blog. Here's a snippet of my story:


Every human being comes into the world wanting to be loved. Without love, we are left with heartache, pain, grief, regret, shame and guilt. This is not how I wanted to live my life.
At 26, I set out on a journey to help others as a licensed psychotherapist. I set up shop in Seattle and attempted to do the best work I could possibly do. I wanted to help heal others of heartache, pain, grief, regret, shame and guilt. It was a challenge that I wanted to overcome. “How will I do this?” I often pondered. I hadn’t yet healed my own wounds.

Trying to be present for other people’s issues was the most challenging effort of my life. I was not only a therapist but a teacher. My clients looked to me for education, guidance, and reassurance that life wouldn’t always be so cruel. I couldn’t offer much reassurance, but I could offer one thing: I would be present as long as they showed up and did the work. And they did…

As my clients were showing up and my practice was starting to take off, I felt this nagging sensation buried deep inside. I still didn’t feel like I was loved. This was a deeply rooted feeling that I couldn’t shake. As I tried to fight it so I could stay present for my clients, I sunk into an abyss of shame.
The shame told me that “I am not good enough”, “I don’t deserve to be loved”, “and I will be a failure in this business”. Fuck! How was I supposed to manage now?

For the last three years I have been trying to figure it all out. I hit bottom and realized that I didn’t love myself. That was what I was missing. I had no earthly idea how to genuinely love myself. With the guidance of a therapist I ventured into a space of self-discovery.

I came to understand that several of my negative thoughts and behaviors were caught up in an addictive cycle. I am codependent. In the past, I placed my value dependent on what other people thought about me. Well, I was raised in a less than nurturing and sometimes abusive household so I grew up believing that I am “worthless”, “Only good for taking care of others”, and “Never going to be loved”.

I spent 29 years of my life caught up in other people, places, and things that were distracting me from my goals of finding love and happiness. The shame that was deep seated kept me believing that I would never, ever be loved, by anyone.

It was all bullshit. The shame is false. I am worthy of love. I found out I was lovable, loving, and loved by trusting in the power of 12 Step meetings. I found a community that accepted me for all my humanely traits, including my flaws. I found a sponsor that guides me on a journey of self-discovery that is natural, loving, and healing.

Through my own work, I have been able to truly be present at my practice. I now help others find out who they are and determine who they want to be. No fairytales here, just real life work by real people wanting to be loved.

I chronicled my life and journey to healing in my latest book, I JUST WANTED LOVE: RECOVERY OF A CODEPENDENT, SEX AND LOVE ADDICT, which will be out in 2014. Let me help you find the love you have for yourself so you can find the love of another.

As far as ABLE Life, I want to share the tools and resources that I use everyday. I am always opened to feedback. Let me know what you think! Thank you for joining me.

Sincerely,

Weekend Retreat

Welcome to the weekend! We are dedicated to bringing you important posts throughout the week. On the weekends, most of us get time to relax and enjoy our family and friends. I hope that is the case for you as well.

Weekend Retreat will bring you a new movie, book, or other related media that is pertinent to your recovery journey.  The goal is to have options for the weekend so you can stay focused on your recovery goals.

Recovery is 24/7 and we want to help you stay focused and sober from all your addictive behaviors. We are always open to suggestions for different media to present so leave a comment and let us know what your needs and wants are. Thank you!

In this revised and updated version of Facing Love Addiction, bestselling author of Facing Codependence and internationally recognized dependence and addiction authority Pia Mellody unravels the intricate dynamics of unhealthy love relationships and shows us how to let go of toxic love. Through twelve-step work, exercises, and journal-keeping, Facing Love Addiction compassionately and realistically outlines the recovery process for Love Addicts, and Mellody’s fresh perspective and clear methods work to comfort and motivate all those looking to establish and maintain healthy, happy relationships.  

Facing Love Addiction ranks #8 on Amazon's best seller list of books on codependency. I have used this book in my counseling practice as a tool for clients to work through issues of codependence and love addiction. Pia's work is inspirational, thought provoking, and uplifting. It provides readers with hope for a new day.

The journal exercises allow for thorough exploration into your own addictive behaviors around relationships and love. Grammy Award winning Alanis Morisette discusses love addiction and Pia Mellody in this video. 

I think anyone, including celebrities, can benefit from reading this book. Take a look for yourself and let us know in the comments what your experience was with Facing Love Addiction by Pia Mellody.