Step Three

We were now at Step Three. Many of us said to our Maker, as we understood Him: "God, I offer myself to Thee-to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!" We thought well before taking this step making sure we were ready; that we could at last abandon ourselves utterly to Him 
- A.A. Big Book p.63 

 I wanted to focus on Step Three in greater detail because it is very important Step in my opinion. Step Three calls for those of us in recovery  to: 

Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God

This is one of the most challenging Steps. What does "Made a decision" mean in this Step?

I think we have to explore our histories a bit. In our "acting out" behaviors, we made a lot of decisions that may or may not been detrimental to ourselves, or another. We believed that we were in control when the time came to decide how we would "act out", whether it is with drugs, sex, porn, alcohol, or food. 

Most often, we were not in control. Our "addict" mind was in control. We didn't make a decision then, but we can now. Step Three allows for the opportunity to make a conscious decision "to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God" because we need to. Our addict had already been in control and screwed up our lives; what about a fresh start by believing our Higher Power or God could do something different?

The word “God” often throws people off from the Twelve Steps. Why is that? Some believe that “God” is focused on religion. Most of us have had negative experiences with religion. The Twelve Step philosophy isn’t religion; its spiritual. And the best part about Step Three is that you get understand “God” on your own terms!

Now, that’s a relief. I don’t have to believe what the right-winged have to say about God. I don’t have to believe what my family says about God. I don’t have to believe what society believes about God. I get to decide what God means to me. When it was thoroughly explained to me by those in the program, I rejoiced because I could stop living out other people’s stuff and focus on myself. I was grateful!

Step Three also requires us to let go of control. Many of us exert control in order to stay safe. 

“Let go and let God.”

What comes up for you around letting go of control? 

Stay safe, sane, and sober.

Sincerely,

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Make It Count Monday: Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity

Step Two:Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

The Serenity Prayer
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
The courage to change the things I can;
And the wisdom to know the difference.

Higher Power works in mysterious ways and I cannot know all the ways that my Higher Power is working in my life. I do try to take note of the instances that stand out to me and today I got all the messages!

I have been faced with difficult decisions at work. I have struggled. I have lost sleep. I have wrung my hands. But ultimately, I knew that my Higher Power or "HP" would show me the way. I often got in my HP's way while trying to deal with work stress.

I tried to manage, control, and avoid multiple times over. Nothing was working. I felt insane. I prayed for guidance every night. This morning my prayers were answered.

I woke up from a nightmare that was chilling. I was pissed. I already had to get up at 4:30am to get to my 12 Step Meeting by 6pm, so any amount of lost sleep was precious. I couldn't rest after the dreaded nightmare. I got up and contemplated my next move.

Upon arriving at my 12 Step Meeting, I made a decision to stop suffering. I asked for some sign that I was making the right choice. I got out of my car, just like I do every Monday morning, and headed into my meeting. Suddenly, I got this sense to turn around. I did and my eyes couldn't believe what they saw. All the lights on my car were lit up including headlights and break lights.

WTF! I knew it wasn't; it was my Higher Power. My headlights only are operable if the knob is turned on from inside the car. I knew then that my HP was communicating with me. My HP supported my decision.

After sitting anxiously in my meeting, I went to work.  I went in to my office, fired up my laptop and called my best friend. As I was sitting on the phone talking to him I looked at my email and saw Today's Gift from Hazelden. It started with "Our Higher Power is in charge."

I immediately stopped doubting myself. I saw all the signs. I needed to stop and remember Step Two. I have believed in a Higher Power since entering recovery a year and a half ago. I worked Step Two over a year ago. Why was I having a hard time accepting? It's because I am human and I often want to believe I am in control.

With the help of Step Two and the Serenity Prayer, which I recited several times today, I have been able to take care of myself today by addressing my work issues. It was flipping hard work, but I pushed through and accomplished something that I knew I needed to do, but tried my damnedest to avoid.

I am not in control. Higher Power is.

I made my Monday count. How about you?

Sincerely,

Make It Count Monday: Step Two & Sanity

Good evening, everyone! It's Monday! Did you make it count? We are still focusing on Step Two for the month of February, which reads: Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. Last week, we talked about developing a relationship with a Higher Power. 

I thought we would focus on the concept of "sanity." 

To me, it means:

1. Having a peace of mind
2. Believing in the process of life
3. Being out of active addiction
4. Believing in myself
5. Understanding that I am not in control
6. Understanding that I don't have to be controlled. 

Working Step Two allowed me to see my side of the street and also Higher Power's side of the street. I can only control my part of the problems that life brings. It's a process, not an event. 

What does "sanity" mean to you?

Have a fantastic week. Stay safe, sane, and sober.

Sincerely, 

Make It Count Monday: Step Two & Higher Power

Step Two: Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. 

Working this step causes difficulty for most people entering in to recovery programs. Having a belief in a Higher Power is generally thought to have religious connotations, which is a big "hell no" for those of us who had religion shoved down our throats by our families of origin. Who would want to revisit the teachings we had learned to run away from. 

In my experience, I thought that a Higher Power was critical, judgmental, harsh, and punishing. At least that's what I heard while I sat in the pews at my family's Baptist church. Granted, I didn't want to be there in the first place. Nor did anyone explain to me what was being said. I guess I was expected to just know what it all meant. Well, I didn't. 

I spent many years staying in this judgmental space about religion and spirituality, so when I entered the rooms of recovery, I walked back out. Yes, I walked out thinking that there was no way I was going to put myself in harms way. I didn't want to be judged. I wanted to be loved. 

I am grateful that I had a therapist that kept on me to give the meetings a chance. As I sat in the rooms, I begin to hear powerful stories about what a Higher Power meant for others. I began to develop a sense of what a Higher Power could mean to me. 

One of the most powerful statements that I have heard about a Higher Power, which I have adopted in my therapy practice as well as my recovery practice is, "A Higher Power is greater than you and your parents." I got that loud and clear!! It made sense. 

I was no longer afraid. As a result of not being afraid, I began to recognize that I wasn't my own Higher Power, either. Eureka! Thank goodness for sharing in meetings. 

Check out this quick video by Robert Burney. He talks about Higher Power in his recovery.

I love this quote: "If everything happens for a reason, I don't have the power to screw up the plan!" Brilliant.

Thanks for letting me share my thoughts about a developing a relationship with a Higher Power.

Learn more about Higher Power with these articles:

"A Higher Power for Atheists and Agnostics" by Roger Bissell http://www.rogerbissell.com/id11mm.html

"Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions" http://www.bahaistudies.net/asma/12and12.pdf

"Sober For Thirty Years" by Jim Burwell http://www.barefootsworld.net/aaburwell30.html

Sincerely,

Wisdom Wednesday

"I live in the moment."-Anonymous

Before recovery, I could be found digging around in my past or the past of someone close to me. And if that wasn't a very successful experience I might hop in my time machine and set the destination to to the future. Isn't future tripping fun? Um....NOT!

Stay out of the past, unless you are looking for information that is helpful to your progress. As far as the future goes, it's WAY out of your control! Keep Out! 

You can plan or do the foot work for something you hope to happen in the future, but let go of the outcome. Your Higher Power will do the rest.

Focus on what you need to do in the "here and now". I hope God or Higher Power grants you the serenity to accept the things you cannot change and the courage to change the things you can. It's the only way I have found to be successful. 

Good luck!

Sincerely, 

Topic Tuesday: Spiritual Dilemma

I have done a lot of recovery readings over the last year and half since I enter the rooms. I often find it difficult to understand some of the material. One of the topics that was most puzzling to me was the concept of "spiritual dilemma".

I wasn't "spiritual" so how could I have a "dilemma"? Or was it, since I wasn't "spiritual" I must be in a "dilemma" because of the absence of spirituality? Geez! I was lost.

Twelve Step programs promote a belief in Higher Power and thus has a spiritual component. It has been said for decades in the rooms of recovery that one must believe in a power greater than oneself in order to recover. I was interested in recovering, but I wasn't so sure about the Higher Power as I talked about in an earlier blog post.

I continued to show up to the rooms and I began to learn why I was in a "spiritual dilemma". It was because I believed that everyone outside of myself was a power greater than myself and occasionally that I was greater than someone else. Control freak? Absolutely! Doormat? Most often!

My concepts didn't fit those of the program, thus the "dilemma".

In recovery, I have learned that I do not need to make another person my Higher Power. Nor do I need to become someone's Higher Power. I spend a lot of time communicating with my Higher Power. It's a rewarding experience to know that my Higher Power accepts me, flaws and all.

Are you in a spiritual dilemma? If so, how might you change your circumstances?

Sincerely,

Step Two: The Facts

In January, we started the year off looking at Step One. We admitted we were powerless and that our lives were unmanageable and now Step Two has us coming to believe that a power greater than ourselves (I like to include 'and of our parents') could restore us to sanity.

I am all in for being restored to sanity! Step Two requires contemplation and gentleness with ourselves. It requires willingness to believe in something outside of ourselves. Haven't we been trying to manage our lives and ending up with all the unmanageable consequences? That's emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually draining. Maybe, just maybe, we can begin to believe.

In the rooms of recovery, it is often said, "I don't believe in God." Step Two doesn't require a belief in God. The Twelve Steps are not about religion. You get to choose your own idea of a higher power. But for now, we just need to believe there is something greater. In Step Three, we make a decision.

I reflect back on my study of Step Two in the program of Co-Dependents Anonymous and Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, and I wrote the following:

What does "came to believe" mean to me?
    "Came to believe" means having arrived at acceptance of my own powerlessness and unmanageability.

What does a "power greater than ourselves" mean to me?
     It means that as a unity, members of the recovery fellowships accept that a higher power, not another person or thing we try to control, is greater than us.

What does "restore us to sanity" mean to me?
    Higher Power brings us to serenity by accepting and loving us as we are, perfectly imperfect.

For today, what does "sanity" mean to me?
    Serenity. Peace. Calmness. Feeling all of my feelings.

How about you answer the questions for yourself?
1. What does "came to believe" mean to me?
2. What does a "power great than ourselves" mean to me?
3. What does "restore us to sanity" mean to me?
4. For today, what does "sanity" mean to me?

Stay true to your individual recovery. You can do it!

Sincerely,

Step One: The Power of Attending Meetings & Prayer

Battling addictions can be an exhaustive process that can leave you feeling hopeless and scared. The power of the programs of Alcoholics Anonymous, Codependents Anonymous, Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, etc., provides hope and encouragement.  

Attending meetings may be scary at first, but once you sit down and listen to others share their courage, strength, and hope, you will come to see that you are not alone. Recovery doesn't have to be an isolative process.  

Opening up about your experience brings a sense of belonging among group members. Often times, group members meet afterwards for Fellowship at a local coffee shop or diner. Here, you can talk about who you are, where you're from, where you want to go, anything! Building connections with others opens new, healthier avenues. You will learn what it means to be a part of a community that is loving and forgiving. That's something that addicts don't always know is available.  

You may also find solace in prayer. Some may believe that "God" or "Higher Power" doesn't really exist or want to help, but that's the addict controlling the situation. You get to decide what type of relationship you have with a power greater than yourself. Till then, look to the Serenity Prayer or First Step Prayer for guidance.  

Serenity Prayer

God (Higher Power), grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.  

First Step Prayer 

Today, I ask for help with my addiction. Denial has kept me from seeing how powerless I am and how my life is  unmanageable. I need to learn and remember that I have an incurable illness and that abstinence is the only way to deal with it. 

Sincerely, 

Tool: Higher Power

I searched online to get a sense of what the Internet has on "Higher Power" and I found a Wikipedia article that says, "In current twelve-step program usage a higher power can be anything at all that the member believes is adequate. Reported examples include their twelve-step group, Nature, consciousness, existential freedom, God, science, Buddha. It is frequently stipulated that as long as a higher power is "greater" than the individual, then the only condition is that it should also be loving and caring."

A belief in a power greater than ourselves is fundamental in 12 Step recovery. It is also one of the most controversial topics for new members. In my experience, new comers are weary of the concept of a "Higher Power" because their first belief stems from their own beliefs about religion. Some believe that "Higher Power" is a religious concept, but in fact it is a spiritual concept. Having a belief in a "Higher Power" is not a belief in a religion. 

When joining the program of Co-Dependents Anonymous, I believed that I couldn't get anything from the program because it required that I buy into Step Three:

"Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God."

At the time, I didn't understand God! In fact, I grew up angry with God because of all the chaos that ensued my childhood. I didn't believe any God would love me, so why would I believe the program would accept me. My view of spirituality, God, and a loving Higher Power was skewed. It took attending meetings and meeting with a sponsor to get clarity.

I learned that Higher Power or God was not my parent's or family's view of God, but my own. I could envision a loving, caring, protective Higher Power as the one that I would turn my will and life over to. This was not easy by any means. I struggled for many months. My sponsor encouraged me to be open minded. I didn't need rush my process. I needed to accept that in order to receive all the benefits of the program, I had to believe in something greater than myself and of my family.

I started to believe that I obviously couldn't be my own Higher Power. I had thought I ran the show of my life but consequentially my life was unmanageable and I was powerless of my addiction. I didn't believe that my family's God was loving or forgiving so I stayed far away from their ideal. If all else had failed, why not try something new---so I did.

Like the Wikipedia article referenced, a "Higher Power" can be nature, a 12 Step group, or science! I connected with animals. I have always been intrigued by the power of the white tiger. Since I was a kid, I have seen all tigers as majestic, loving beings. And they are greater than myself. I have seen tigers love and protect their young on documentaries and visits to the zoo. I figured---why not believe that Higher Power has been present in my life in the form of tigers--my most beloved animal in the entire world.

The one thing that I want you to clearly get is this: a loving and caring Higher Power has to be greater than yourself and of your parents. Your parents may tried to play the role of your Higher Power--leading you to believe they were all knowing and infallible, but that's just not true. They are just like you: perfectly imperfect and that's okay. Find something you can connect with and believe in the process of recovery.

Learn more about Higher Power with these articles:

"A Higher Power for Atheists and Agnostics" by Roger Bissell http://www.rogerbissell.com/id11mm.html

"Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions" http://www.bahaistudies.net/asma/12and12.pdf

"Sober For Thirty Years" by Jim Burwell http://www.barefootsworld.net/aaburwell30.html

Sincerely,