Hi. I am DJ Burr, licensed psychotherapist, author and entrepreneur. On this blog, I will talk about codependence and sex and love addiction, as well as other process addictions. Issues related to boundary setting, relationship building skills, and self-care will also be addressed.
It has been too long since I have
written on this blog. I have had some life changes thrown at me that have
completely distracted me. I hate when that happens, but there is always a
silver lining.
During the hiatus, I had the opportunity
to think about what I wanted to do with this blog. I questioned whether it was
sustainable. I questioned whether or not you, the reader, were getting enough
from me. The answers I came up with were: 1) Not sustainable with my busy
schedule and 2) You deserve more from me. And I want to provide more.
I have been a part of Facebook recovery
groups for a long time now, and I get a lot out of those communities. There is
sharing of courage, strength, and hope; tons of lively debate, and most
importantly there is support. I took the opportunity to create a Facebook
recovery group that I want to transition this blog over to. It is called ABLE
Life Recovery. You can find it atwww.facebook.com/groups/ableliferecovery
We have a new logo! Members already
actively participating! and I get to chime in often because it's quick and
easy! I hope that you will join me onABLE Life Recovery.
This weekend, I would recommend that you take a quick inventory of the current work that you are doing. It is important to always acknowledge your dedication to your personal recovery.
The weekends can be a time for fun, but also a time for reflection. I often give myself time to think about where I currently am in my process.
Am I on the path I outlined?
Am I listening to my Higher Power?
What is my next indicated step?
Do I have all the support that I need?
Do I know where to find the support that I need?
Am I doing the best that I can?
Most often my answer is 'Yes' to the above questions. Sometimes I have to reevaluate. I wonder what your answers will be?
Spend the weekend enjoying what you have, but also looking at what else you might need.
Good evening! Sorry for such a late post, but I just had a fantastic day with my recovery community. I thought I would share a bit.
I visited my buddy R.'s house for breakfast. He cooked a veggie stir fry with eggs and tofu. It was fantastic. Later we walked out on beach and talked about life, love, and recovery.
For lunch, I met up with my other buddy, P. and we basically talked about the same thing. Both conversations were equally important and seriously valuable. R & P are like my older brothers that I always wanted. I feel safe with these guys. I wasn't always able to say that about friends in my past life.
I have spent the last year and a half embracing these two relationships as the most vulnerable and authentic person I can be. I learn so much about myself since I met R & P.
A few hours later I had a recovery dinner with my sponsor, C., and my sponsee, D. We went to IHOP and shared tons of sweet, salty, and delicious foods. It was so much fun to have all of us under the same roof.
My sponsor and I have been working together a year and half. He's like a brother to me. I love him dearly. My sponsee, D., and I have known each other for several years. He and I have been working hard on his Steps. In a few weeks, he will be doing his 5th Step! Unfortunately, my other sponsee, S., was unavailable. I guess I will just have to plan another outing!
Building a healthy recovery community has been essential to maintaining my sobriety. I have a safe, secure, and loving family that is founded on recovery. I am grateful for them and for my husband and pets. Life in recovery just keeps getting better.
Welcome to Thursday, everyone! This week I have some handy tool suggestions that can assist you on your recovery journey. The topics below are all about therapy! Different types of therapy that I think are helpful because I use them all.
Individual Therapy As a therapist, I often get to see people dramatically change their lives after deciding to seek individual therapy for their fears, anxieties, depression, relationship struggles, and addictions. I specialize in working with folks that engage in addictive behaviors such as codependence and sex and love addiction.
In therapy, you get to share inner and outer struggles with a trusted provider that is trained to be nonjudgmental, affirming, and encouraging. Once you feel safe in the environment, you can be propelled to explore all the pains and struggles you have had in your life. You can even share all the important accomplishments. Most importantly, you are safe and secure. You can get feedback, direction, and suggestions about next steps. I would highly recommend finding a therapist that has awareness of the Twelve Steps and recovery. Couple Therapy Having issues with your partner or spouse? Bring them to couple therapy, if he/she is willing. Couple therapy isn't very successful unless both participants are ready to engage. If both are ready, find a therapist that is skilled in working with couples. If your relationship has a unique dynamic, such as polyamory, find a therapist that is knowledgeable about the poly community.
Couples need a safe place to resolve their issues. I work with several couples and its some of the most rewarding work I have done. I highly recommend that you check in with your partner about starting couple counseling. Topics that are great for couple counseling include but are not limited to: financial difficulties, infidelity, communication breakdown, trust building, parenting, and much more. Group Therapy
Group therapy is fun, fun, fun! I wish I had more groups in my practice. Group therapy allows you to be connected with other individuals with similar struggles. There is usually a group facilitator, who is most often a therapist, that leads the group discussion and provides assignments. Most groups meet weekly or biweekly. The average group lasts about six to twelve weeks. If you are looking for an intensive group experience you may find that they are longer in duration and the length of treatment may be several months.
Cinema Therapy
I use cinema therapy in my practice. The basics around this idea is that we can use movies and TV to connect to characters that may be experiencing similar issues that we may be experiencing in our real life. I have always been a movie and TV fan, so it was exciting to see literature on cinema therapy. I once ran a cinema therapy group at a mental health clinic and the group members showed up every week to see a new movie or show with a new theme. We then discussed the significance of the movie, its characters, and plot. I believe that cinema therapy promotes healing and growth.
It is refreshing to watch an old movie and see it in a new light. Look for the themes. Identify with the characters. You may learn more about yourself. Check out http://www.cinematherapy.com/
Float Therapy
This is by far the coolest type of therapy tool that I can suggest. Float therapy is done in a isolation tank or desentization tank. You are given a set time frame, usually 60 min, and then you get into this tank. Inside the tank there is no light and usually no sound. There is water that contains Epson salt. The Epson salt creates buoyancy. You will be floating on top of the water.
It has been said that one hour of float therapy equals four hours of sleep! It's a relaxation tool that works. I go a few times a month when feeling stressed or overwhelmed. After an hour in the tank, I am often rejuvenated and ready to conquer the world. Take a friend with you so he/she can have a similar experience while you are in your tank. Then you will have something fun to discuss afterwards.
Well, I am off. I hope these tools are helpful for you. Ask questions if you have them. I will respond as I can.
Boundaries are the theme this week! They are one of the essential elements to staying sober in recovery. I wrote yesterday about boundaries and the benefits of setting boundaries. Have you been able to set any??
Hope you all had a nice Valentine's Day. I have come to learn that Valentine's Day isn't just for couples. It can be an important day for anyone. For me, it's important to love yourself and others daily, but society marks Valentine's Day as a special day. I hope you created one for yourself with loads of self-care!
This weekend, take a look at these activities dedicated to focusing on your recovery. First up is Breaking Free: A Recovery Workbook for Facing Codependence by Pia Mellody. You all know that Pia is my favorite author for everything codependence. She spent a lot of time researching the disease of codependence and talks in detail about her own experiences with the life altering condition. In her workbook, she uses the Twelve Step model to illustrate the recovery process.
I have used this resource for the last year in my therapy practice to assist over a dozen people in their recovery from codependence. I love this book so much! It's a step by step process that is easy to comprehend. You can work with a group of recovering person or use it in conjunction with your therapy. The one thing that I can say that will help you the most while working in this book is, be gentle with yourself! This process is long and arduous, but worth it, because you are worth it.
It's the weekend and I am ready for it. It's been a long and exhausting week, so I am grateful to put it behind me and move into the weekend! I have some awesome movie suggestions for you this week!
When a Man Loves a Woman(1994) brought us Meg Ryan, playing an alcoholic mother battling her addiction to alcohol and Andy Garcia, playing her co-dependent husband, trying to make his life, his children's lives, and his marriage all make sense.
It is difficult to be in a marriage or any relationship where addiction is present. It takes courage, strength, and hope, along with a loving Higher Power, to move through the grief and recovery.
Antwone Fisher(2002) is a powerful, heart-breaking film, that resonates so deeply with me. The anger that the main character, played by Derek Luke, holds deep within his being stalks him so deeply that he lashes out and harms himself and those around him. Good thing he has a good therapist, played by Denzel Washington. The power of healing is highlighted throughout this movie. You may also check out the book that inspired the film, Finding Fish.
Whatever you do this weekend, stay safe, sane, and sober!
Welcome to the weekend; to the end of January; and to the start of February!! I hope you all have been doing well. I have gotten a lot of great feedback about the posts, especially Weekend Retreat. Thank you :)
I love telling people about available resources. Just as much as I love having things to do over the weekend that coincide with my recovery process. A few months ago, I stumbled upon one of the most heart warming films that I have ever seen and I was pleasantly surprised that it starred one of my favorite actors, Bruce Willis. The film is called Disney's The Kid.
In the flick, Bruce's 40-year-old character is brought face to face with his younger self. He learns a valuable lesson from his childhood, that I think we all could benefit from; we are never too old to heal old wounds.
In recovery, healing our 'inner child' is often talked about subject. The work involves looking at the painful past; identifying what really happened; identifying the feelings we had way back then; and then look how it impacts us in the present. I cried while watching so you may want to have your Kleenex handy!
The other option you have for this week is to read Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself by Melody Beattie. Most people in recovery circles have read this eye opening book on codependence. Melody has been providing readers tons of information on the topic for decades. Her books have sold millions! You may even read her daily affirmations that can be found online or in several books. To find out more about Melody check out her website.
Whatever you decide to do this weekend, remember to love yourself!
Battling addictions can be an exhaustive process that can leave you feeling hopeless and scared. The power of the programs of Alcoholics Anonymous, Codependents Anonymous, Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, etc., provides hope and encouragement.
Attending meetings may be scary at first, but once you sit down and listen to others share their courage, strength, and hope, you will come to see that you are not alone. Recovery doesn't have to be an isolative process.
Opening up about your experience brings a sense of belonging among group members. Often times, group members meet afterwards for Fellowship at a local coffee shop or diner. Here, you can talk about who you are, where you're from, where you want to go, anything! Building connections with others opens new, healthier avenues. You will learn what it means to be a part of a community that is loving and forgiving. That's something that addicts don't always know is available.
You may also find solace in prayer. Some may believe that "God" or "Higher Power" doesn't really exist or want to help, but that's the addict controlling the situation. You get to decide what type of relationship you have with a power greater than yourself. Till then, look to the Serenity Prayer or First Step Prayer for guidance.
Serenity Prayer
God (Higher Power), grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,The courage to change the things I can,And wisdom to know the difference.
First Step Prayer
Today, I ask for help with my addiction.Denial has kept me from seeing howpowerless I am and how my life is unmanageable. I need to learn andremember that I have an incurableillness and that abstinence is theonly way to deal with it.
Codependence is a deeply rooted, compulsive behavior that is
born out of a less than nurturing or abusive environment in childhood. A
child’s emotional development may be stunted due to the lack of nurturance, love,
guidance, support, and direction that his/her parents are supposed to impart on
the child’s life.
As a result of growing up in this environment, a child
develops into an adult who may display some or all of the characteristics outlined
below. Codependents:
may not be aware of how they feel.
tend to fear and/or worry how others may respond
to their feelings.
are not aware of their needs and wants.
have difficulty having fun.
judge themselves and/or others harshly.
are terrified of being left or abandoned
over react to changes over which we do not have
any control.
are extremely loyal, remaining in harmful
situations too long.
freely offer advice to others without being
asked.
The major characteristics of codependence fall into four
categories: control, compliance, low self-esteem, and denial. The fellowship of
Codependents Anonymous has a self-evaluation tool.
Talk with a therapist or attend a CoDA meeting for a safe place to explore your
codependence.
Awareness is a gift in recovery. Having awareness of your progress provides hopes for a brighter
future. Spend time thinking about all the things you are doing that are healthy
and positive. Recovery is a process, not an event. Be aware of the process and
enjoy it.
The 12 Steps are the foundation of all anonymous programs. As summarized by the American Psychological Association, the process involves the following:
* admitting that one cannot control one’s addiction or compulsion;
* recognizing a higher power that can give strength;
* examining past errors with the help of a sponsor (experienced member);
* making amends for these errors;
* learning to live a new life with a new code of behavior;
* helping others that suffer from the same addictions or compulsions
The Steps were pioneered by Alcoholics Anonymous in 1935 and adopted by other fellowships including Codependents Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, Overeaters Anonymous, and Gamblers Anonymous.
Click the links for more information.
* Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over our addiction – that our lives had become unmanageable.
* Step 2: Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
* Step 3: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God.
* Step 4: Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
* Step 5: Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
* Step 6: Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
* Step 7: Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings.
* Step 8: Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
* Step 9: Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
* Step 10: Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
* Step 11: Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood God, praying only for knowledge of God’s will for us and the power to carry that out.
* Step 12: Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other addicts, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
I have been working the steps for some time now and I have to say that I do not believe I would be sober from my addictions without the program. The 12 Steps have provided guidance, support, and structure. It has been a worthwhile process to learn about the benefits of a spiritual program. I have developed a relationship with a power greater than myself and I feel safe.
I hope that you will take a look at The 12 Steps and find the courage, strength, and hope that I found by working the steps. Good luck. “It works if you work it.”
I called my mother today, who lives in Georgia, to inquire about a medical issue I had as a kid. I was curious to see if she could provide some additional information that I may have forgotten or didn't know. Unfortunately, I am dealing with that issue again as an adult.
My mother and I have had a tumultuous past, but being in recovery has taught me to forgive and move forward. I believe my Higher Power guided me to making the phone call. I didn't pre-judge her or assume that she wouldn't know anything about my medical history, based on our history. This was definitely new, healthier behavior for me.
I took the chance and called. She was sleep. She told me she would call back and she did. I was grateful she kept her word. I told her thanks for calling back and then I began with my inquiry.
My ears and my heart almost shutdown after I was told that I didn't have the particular medical issue when I was a child but much later in my life as a teen. I was floored and hurt. Had she rewritten history? Had I not suffered like I so clearly remember? Was she even present back then?
In that moment, I breathed. I managed to stay composed and gave her my recollection of the past and she disagreed. I didn't fight back.
Recovery has taught me that I don't need to cross my side of the street to tell someone else that he or she is wrong. I can accept their truth and my own.
I was sad. I immediately texted my sponsor to tell him how I was feeling. I didn't need to hide my feelings. I didn't need to keep everything bottled up and explode later.
I allowed my higher power to guide me and I ended up here, writing and sharing my truth with all of you.
In your past or present, you may find that someone may recall events differently. It can be frustrating, maddening, or make you sad. It's alright. Your feelings are valid. We can't make other people see what we see. We have to continue loving and believing in who we are. We are now responsible for what happens next.
Recovery is the way. I wouldn't have been able to keep my mouth shut two years ago. I would have hurt my mom and myself by lashing out. It's just not worth it. Remember whose side of the street you are on before you say one more word.
Welcome to the weekend! We are dedicated to bringing you important posts throughout the week. On the weekends, most of us get time to relax and enjoy our family and friends. I hope that is the case for you as well.
Weekend Retreat will bring you a new movie, book, or other related media that is pertinent to your recovery journey. The goal is to have options for the weekend so you can stay focused on your recovery goals.
Recovery is 24/7 and we want to help you stay focused and sober from all your addictive behaviors. We are always open to suggestions for different media to present so leave a comment and let us know what your needs and wants are. Thank you!
In this revised and updated version of Facing Love Addiction, bestselling author of Facing Codependence and internationally recognized dependence and addiction authority Pia Mellody unravels the intricate dynamics of unhealthy love relationships and shows us how to let go of toxic love. Through twelve-step work, exercises, and journal-keeping, Facing Love Addiction compassionately and realistically outlines the recovery process for Love Addicts, and Mellody’s fresh perspective and clear methods work to comfort and motivate all those looking to establish and maintain healthy, happy relationships.
Facing Love Addiction ranks #8 on Amazon's best seller list of books on codependency. I have used this book in my counseling practice as a tool for clients to work through issues of codependence and love addiction. Pia's work is inspirational, thought provoking, and uplifting. It provides readers with hope for a new day.
The journal exercises allow for thorough exploration into your own addictive behaviors around relationships and love. Grammy Award winning Alanis Morisette discusses love addiction and Pia Mellody in this video.
I think anyone, including celebrities, can benefit from reading this book. Take a look for yourself and let us know in the comments what your experience was with Facing Love Addiction by Pia Mellody.
Today, we have a special guest post from a reader and fan of ABLE Life. He is providing us his experience with the practice of meditation. Please welcome R.H.
Eighteen months ago, I entered recovery kicking and screaming. With the emotional force of atomic explosion,
my world had fallen completely apart six months before that. Along with a very long list of unfortunate
character traits, I have been blessed
with the gifts of curiosity and a ‘can-do’ attitude. I focused my full attention and explored
every idea I came in contact with to salvage the pieces of my life in the hopes
I could eventually glue them back together.
12-step programs and meditation hit my radar screen within the same
month. I dove into both.
I had only vaguely heard of meditation before then. I had no clue as to its objective nor how to
‘do it’. My initial guidance was from an
unassuming man who invited me to mediate with him and a few other quiet people
whose names and faces are lost to me now.
He provided me with less than five minutes of training before we sat for
my first time. Half-hour later the group
got up and walked away. The man didn’t
say a thing to me, except that he would be meditating there again that
evening. He gave no indication he was
expecting a response.
I felt befuddled as I walked away from my first
session. I was expecting to be asked
about my time sitting. I expected to be
counseled, corrected, judged. I expected
to feel uncomfortable to see the others talking afterward, knowing that I
wanted to be invisible and neither engage in chat nor slip noticeably
away. I felt a strange relief that there
was no after meditation interaction. I
reflected on my experience. It didn’t
hurt. I didn’t feel shame. I didn’t feel
tired. In fact I didn’t really feel
anything. Just a vague calmness that dissipated
several minutes later when I picked up the activities of my day again.
I returned that evening.
Then again the next day twice more.
And the next. And the next for
several weeks until the universe dissolved the group. After some sits I felt frustrated, after some
I felt angry, but mostly I felt an unusual calm that was fleeting but
peaceful. And this was a huge contrast
to the rest of my recovery work, where I generally felt like I was doing hard
work.
Eighteen months later I am still meditating. Not in a structured way or to a
timetable. I tried that but I soon began
to feel stressed and like I was failing.
And my meditation has somehow led me to explore other new things in my
life – like the philosophy of Buddhism, for example. Things that are helping me glue back those
pieces of my shattered life. And most
curiously of all, I am gluing them back in new, much healthier way. For me, that’s what recovery is.---R.H.
Thank you, thank you, thank you! What a powerful, well-written, exploration into the recovery tool of meditation. If you haven't added meditation to your practice, now is the time. The universe keeps us busy, but we have to make the time to pause, relax, and enjoy the silence. Mediation is something that I am working on myself. Let's all give it a try in the New Year.
In recovery, I have learned that being myself is all that I
need to do. I don't have to spend days, nights, hours, minutes, or precious
seconds trying to be someone that I am not. Each day is an opportunity to accept myself for who I am. How can you work toward acceptance today?
Have a safe a joyous New Year! You, too, are glorious. Enjoy your day.
