Wisdom Wednesday

"I am ABLE to set boundaries and enforce them."--ABLE Affirmations

Boundaries are the theme this week! They are one of the essential elements to staying sober in recovery. I wrote yesterday about boundaries and the benefits of setting boundaries. Have you been able to set any??

Stay safe, sane, and sober today. 

Sincerely, 

Topic Tuesday: Boundaries

Boundaries are my favorite topic!! I learned boundaries early on in my recovery journey. My sponsor taught me many great tools for setting boundaries.

Boundaries can be internal and external. Internal boundaries are your personal thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.

External boundaries can include the space in which you presently are; the guidelines in which you establish to be in a relationship with another person; or the limitations in which you keep to protect yourself from engaging in acting out behaviors.

To appropriately set boundaries, I think you must know some key elements:

1. What are your needs and wants?
2. What feels comfortable? Uncomfortable?
3. Where do I end and the other person start?
4. How much am I willing to sacrifice?
5. Is this about me or about them?

These are just the basics. Boundaries allow you to be know; others to know you; others to be known; compromise or negotiation. When boundaries don't exist, we can get ourselves in to deep trouble. Watch out for these unhealthy boundaries:

10 Signs of Unhealthy Boundaries

1.      Providing intimate details about your life to someone that you do not know.

2.      Touching someone without permission.

3.      Allowing others to touch you without giving permission.

4.      Going against personal values to please others.

5.      Believing others can anticipate your needs.

6.      Manipulating someone for your benefit.

7.      Letting others define your reality.

8.      Letting others direct your life.

9.      Staying in an unhealthy environment too long.

10.   Using sex to gain approval and acceptance. 

Here is an example of a boundary one might have to set within recovery.  You may know someone that is new to recovery. This person doesn't have a clear idea of what's appropriate communication. You often hear this person over-share and provide intimate details that are triggering for you. The over-sharing brings up your own personal feelings of guilt and shame. You feel annoyed that this person just doesn't get it. 

Well, to establish a boundary you need to get clear about your feelings. You are feeling annoyed and maybe frustrated at this person's lack of skills in the appropriate communication department. My recommendation would be to approach the person, ask if he/she is available to chat for a bit. Then you might say, "______, I feel agitated and angry when you talk about explicit details. I don't want to feel that way. I wonder if you might consider leaving out those triggering details. It would make me feel more comfortable and I think you and I would be able to chat more freely, about recovery, without all the detail. Is that something you can do?"

You can't make a person change, but you can request a change in the behavior that is triggering for you. If for some reason you don't get a helpful, compassionate, and understanding response--you have to focus on the internal boudaries. That might look like you simply stating, "I feel agitated when you talk about ____, and since you can't agree to tailor our discussions, I can't be around you." END OF DISCUSSION!

You have the right to be respected. I hope you all know that. 

Try to set some boundaries this week. I would love to hear your success stories. 

That's all for now. Stay safe, sane, and sober!

Sincerely, 

Step One: The Core Symptoms of Codependence

It is my belief that all addictions are rooted in codependence. Codependence has been referred to as " disease of immaturity" and what this means is that individuals have emotionally stunted due to issues in childhood. Those issues in childhood could be a number of things including, but not limited to: 

1. Abuse and/or neglect 

2. Parental addiction 

3. Parental mental illness 
   
   

Basically, anything that might have prevented parents from showing a child the nurture that he/she deserved. As a result of not receiving the nurture, five core symptoms develop: 

1. Difficulty experiencing appropriate levels of self-esteem 

2. Difficulty setting functional boundaries 

3. Difficulty owning own reality 

4. Difficulty acknowledging and meeting own needs and wants 

5. Difficulty experiencing and expressing reality moderately.   

Addicted individuals who experience any of the five core symptoms of codependence seek out substances or processes to numb these symptoms. 

For example, Jenny grew up in an abusive home. Her father was an alcoholic and her mother was mentally ill. Jenny's father worked and required Jenny to stay home from school to care for her mother two to three times per week. Whenever Jenny would return to her high school, kids would make fun of her because they knew her mom was in and out of hospitals, and Jenny couldn't deal with the pain. Jenny came home from school one afternoon and took a bottle of Gin out of the cupboard and began to drink. Jenny's self-esteem was non-existent. She wasn't able to develop a sense of who she was because neither parent was available to tell her. She needed comfort, love, and security, but she had to settle for responsibility, obligation, pain, anger, and shame. Jenny began to drink every day, even those days she didn't get to go into school. Her father noticed his alcohol was missing, but was often too drunk to even speak coherently. Jenny just isolated herself in her room and began compulsively drinking and eating to number her feelings of inferiority, guilt, and shame. 15 years later, Jenny  is single, still cares for her mother and is over 400lbs. She stopped drinking 10 years ago, but was unable to manage her food consumption. Jenny wonders if Overeaters Anonymous would work for her, but is too ashamed.  

Jenny is codependent, alcoholic, and an overeater. My recommendation, get to a Codependents Anonymous and Overeaters Anonymous meeting. The pain and shame of growing up in Jenny's family of origin has kept her emotionally immature. One wrong thing or perceived injustice, and Jenny acts out in her addictions.  

This is what the five core symptoms look like in action. 

Questions to Consider 

1. How was I treated as a child? 
2. Did I feel valued? 
3. How were my imperfections used against me?  
4. How might my addictions be related to my childhood?